cuppacats:

John looks so beautiful

you are DAVE STRIDER, and you… appear to be weeping in a closet

Oh come on honey, whatever it is, I’m sure it can’t be that bad

DAVE: FAIL TO FEEL PERSUADED ==>

 Dave: I am not fucking weeping

 
Sure you aren’t, sweetie, good for you. Now come out for the narrator. Or else this is going to get awkward, and John is going to get more screen time.

JOHN: Don’t you have like a cake to get out of the oven or something?

DAD: Oh my, yes. Thank you for reminding me Bunny Socks, you’re my favourite little cake helper.

==>

MEANWHILE IN TEXAS == >

JOHN: That was before I got my flipper. Heh. My Dad won’t let me get braces. He says my teeth are beautiful just the way they are and-

DAD: Not just your teeth, Puddin’ pop.

JOHN: Cringe ==>

Dad: Aren’t you gonna introduce me to your friends there, Sweetie Cake?

John: Oh my God, Dad, these are the guys from Trolls and Tiaras. We’re featuring. You signed a consent form.

Dad: I sure did, China Doll. But I sign a lot things. And I just wanted to say hi.

JOHN: So these are my sashes, uh, Gee, some of these are really old. I mean, Oh God, look at this one Little Miss Washington state 1997. I don’t even remember winning that one.

Here are my trophies.

==>

A lot of these are just minor awards – most beautiful face, Prettiest eyes, Worst Tee-

 Your name is JOHN EGBERT. You are the QUEEN BITCH of the Little Miss pageant world. You have been in pageants since you could scoot your diapered tushy on stage and into the spotlight. You have won ALL OF THE AWARDS. All of them. Literally. Somehow you are so pitiable yet so punchable at the same time. You are repulsive but engrossing. Like A BEAUTIFUL CARCRASH.

You are the BIG FEATURE on this season’s finale of the intergalactic SMASH HIT, PREPUBESCANT BEAUTY PAGANT CONTESTANTS AND THE CROWNS FOR WHICH THEY COMPETE- aka, TROLLS AND TIARAS.

Your name is ERIDAN AMPORA. You have not competed in a national pageant yet. In regionals however you won MOST OBNOXIOUS, and regularly win WORST DRESSED. It’s your dream to one day receive A CROWN. Any crown. Any crown at all. Seriously.

LOOK AT CROWN CABINET ==>

As empty as your quadrants.

ERIDAN: SIGH ==>

At least you’re being featured in that documentary. You’re a big feature.

It was Dorothy-Cotton’s turn to draw the panels, but she has actual work to do. I’m sure we can all sympathise that education comes before glamour.

Actually, John doesn’t.

JOHN: FORSAKE EDUCATION IN PURSUIT OF GLAMOUR ==> 

- kindergartencop xx